The strange thing is, growing up, I never, ever, had a weight problem. I was a super thin girl growing up; I was known for my bony butt, elbows and knees. I began high school at 99 lbs, and was still wearing juniors clothing throughout my freshman year. That was probably the first time I realized I got a LOT of attention from the upper grade guys.
I had tried out for cheerleading at the end of my 8th grade year as a fluke. I had only done it to support my best friend at the time, who had desperately wanted to try out. The worst part was, I made the team and she didn't. I still remember trying to comfort her afterwards and feeling so shamefully guilty. I stayed with cheerleading for two years and I really loved it. We had practice nearly ever day after school for two hours and sometimes had weight training on top of that. Not to mention I was in a P.E. class plus a dance class during class hours. Needless to say, I was very in shape. I was known for my awesome stomach and legs.
The funny thing is, I can think back on these times and remember being insecure even then. I used to be afraid to walk with the sun behind me when I wore shorts because I was afraid people would see cellulite on my thighs. It was also during this time that I had my first view of eating disorders. A friend of mine who was on the team was an awesome cheerleader, but she was the only one overweight. We had become pretty close, hanging out after school and on weekends. Eventually she told me that after fast food runs or big meals, she would go to the bathroom and force herself to bring it up. I'd never seen anyone who had done this, but the way she talked about it so nonchalantly made me think all of my friends did it. I began to do it as well, but only occasionally, and mainly when I was around her. It's not like I needed to lose weight, but I guess it was more of a peer pressure, trying to fit in kinda thing. This continued throughout high school and became very hard for me to stop. I still battle with thoughts about purging today.
The one thing I didn't didn't love about cheerleading was my coach. All of us girls who had been on the team for those two years ended up quitting after our sophomore year. I can remember gaining a bit of weight at this point, but my sizes throughout the end of high school were 6-8, so I was still very little.
I started college and a part time job after high school. I was so broke that I rarely ate. I got into a sort of forced anorexia at this point. At my job, I only earned commission so I wasn't making much money. I was forced to live with my parents while I went to a local community college so that they would pay my tuition. My parents asked that I pay for my college textbooks, and since I was taking 6 classes, it was nearly $600 worth of books. I was also told I had to pay $100 monthly for "grocery money" towards the house. The funny part was, I was so busy going to school and working that I rarely ever ate at home. I usually left the house at 8 in the morning and didn't get home until 10 or 11 pm. My parents' house was also about 45 minutes away from town, so gas money was substantial as well. I really had no money leftover. The only thing I would usually eat was something before I began work. This usually meant the cheapest thing available, a side of fries that I could get with an employee discount at the food court of the mall for about .80 cents. I remember asking my co-workers for change to try and scrounge up enough money for food.
I began dating a guy that I met and on nights I wasn't working he would take me to dinner. My stomach was so small from never eating I would usually only order an appetizer and not be able to finish it. In fact, if I tried to eat any more than that, I would get sick. I got pretty small and was fitting into size 4 Lucky jeans which usually run small. This was the only time in my life I ever heard anyone say I looked too thin. (It was my Dad who said it) My parents were completely unaware of any of my eating dilemmas, especially since I was never home.
This is where it all goes awry. Like a young, stupid girl, I got engaged to the guy I had been dating. I ended up moving, despite my parents' complete dismay, to live with my boyfriend. This is what I consider the beginning of my adult life. I got a cushy job making considerable money and bought all the groceries for our house. I had never had free-range of the grocery store, let alone enough money for food to fill a house. My choices were for prepared or frozen, convenience foods, like Stouffers pizzas and canned Spaghettios. I didn't eat balanced at all and I ate insane portions. I would eat both Stouffers pizzas out of the box for one meal. It had only been about six months, but I realized I was growing out of everything I owned, and fast! Thus began my dysfunctional relationship with dieting.
I think my first diet was E*Diets. I could choose a plan that fit my dietary preferences, plus it told me exactly what to eat and gave me a shopping list too. I remember losing a bit of weight, but fell off the bandwagon quickly. Up next, my new roommate was doing the South Beach Diet, and I was convinced that now this was my answer. I bought all the books and tried to stay with the program. I lost a bit of weight with this as well, but found it hard to cut out sugar and carbs. Needless to say, I reverted back to my junk food ways in no time. In less than a year, I had ballooned up to a size 14 and 184 pounds, my biggest size and heaviest weight. It was then that I started Weight Watchers with a co-worker of mine. We both signed up for meetings and since we had started at pretty much the same weight, we had a sort of silent competition to lose the most. This was how I lost the most weight than with any other diet. It kept me accountable by logging my eating and "counting calories" by counting my Weight Watchers Points. It was easy, and in a few months I had lost 30 pounds. I got down to about 155 pounds, a size 8/10, and I was looking awesome. (FYI - I'm 5'5") At this point, I started getting frustrated with writing everything down and started thinking, "I'm thinner now, I can splurge." This bit me in the ass. I was back up to a size 12 in no time. I tried Weight Watchers two more times after that, once with meetings and once online. Neither one worked as well as the first time. That was the beginning of 2008, and while I had lost some weight, by summer I was the same as usual. I didn't diet at all for the rest of last year, I just ate what I wanted with spurts of trying to be healthy in between. My most recent attempt was the Alli pill in December '08. I still have half of a bottle that I may or may not use. The basic outline of Alli is that you eat only the daily recommendation of fat in your meals while taking the Alli pill with each meal. The pill cuts out half of the fat you consume so only the other half gets absorbed by your body. As long as you eat according to the plan, you don't have any of the nasty side effects you've probably heard about. I still use Alli recipes for my dinners 90% of the time. I like their recipes as well as the fact that it prints you a shopping list. This makes my weekly grocery shopping easy. Another thing I'm wanting to do is the Special K diet. I've been eating it every morning, but can't bring myself to eat it for lunch too. You are supposed to be able to lose up to 6 lbs (an average of 5) in two weeks if you replace breakfast and lunch with the cereal and skim milk. I believe them; it has only 160 calories per serving and no fat in most of the cereals.
Anyways, that just about sums up my dieting history. As you can see from my food logs, I am just generally trying to eat healthier. It helps that I am taking a nutrition class right now for school, so I'm really beginning to understand the science side of things. For an assignment I'm doing, I'm required to give myself points for each aspect of my eating such as: fiber intake, sodium intake, water consumption, fruit/vegetable & grain servings, etc. It all adds up to be out of 100 points; exercise is 45 of that. This assignment alone is really influencing me to get active and exercise more as well as eating the right types of foods and not snacking on junk between meals.
I guess at this point I do have a few goals I want to accomplish.
1. Weight goal: 140 lbs. I think I'll re-evaluate this goal once I get close to it. I may raise or lower it.2. Get into my goal outfit! I picked it out almost 2 years ago: a size medium cute brown top and size 8 ($100!) Lucky jeans. Both are still brand new and begging me to get into them. I thought that buying such expensive jeans would be a good motive to get into them, but it hasn't happened yet.
3. Get active and stay active. This is hard for me because I generally despise exercise, although I love how I feel afterwards.
4. Wear a bikini to the beach again. The beach is my favorite place and it makes me severely depressed to know that I'm afraid of it because I know I have to wear a bathing suit.
Anyone else out there who has a unique non-scale goal? I know losing is an up-hill battle, but it's one that I want to conquer. I'm sick of living my life in fear, insecurity, and self-doubt. I know I can't blame my genes for this, so it is obtainable. I'm tired of not wanting to go out and do things because I don't like how my clothes fit, or because I'm worried people will think badly of how I look. I really do hope this blog helps to keep me on track and moving in a positive direction. My life is literally depending on it.
- Adele
*One thing I want to note is that this is not a bash to any of the aforementioned diets. I believe they could all work, but what I lacked was the self-discipline to stick with them for a prolonged period of time.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment